A parish council has updated its annual Bonfire Night celebrations by replacing the traditional Guy Fawkes with a cisgender, straight white man.

Event organisers stated that burning a 17th-century religious extremist no longer aligned with modern inclusivity targets. Instead, an effigy of a 42-year-old mid-level professional was selected to sit atop the kindling.

A council spokesperson confirmed the decision was made because he embodied “everything wrong with Britain today”, adding that “this is a night for everyone”.

Several local fathers watched the display, giving reluctant applause, with one reportedly recognising the effigy’s Superdry jacket as identical to his own. Moments later, a vape pen in the effigy’s pocket exploded.

“They’ve really outdone themselves this year,” remarked one attendee.

“Who wants marshmallows?!”

The Institute of Household Items has advised the public to spend less time around scented candles, after finding they gradually take on the smell of their owners.

“You know when you can no longer smell a candle that’s burning? That’s because it’s taken on your sad, stale, clammy, pathetic smell,” said a researcher.

The institute recommends limiting exposure to candles. Those who smell good, however, need not worry.

A rapidly growing faith known as “Seconds” is gaining popularity with the youth of today. Its core doctrine requires followers to pray exactly 86,400 times a day.

Like any religion, it is not without its caveats. Followers, known as “Ticktockers”, are finding it virtually impossible to get anything done.

“It’s a deeply fulfilling spiritual journey,” explained Ticktocker Tom Hennings, pausing briefly to mutter fourteen rapid-fire micro-prayers. “But going to the shops takes six hours, and I haven’t chewed my food properly since I converted.”

The non-stop worship schedule means Ticktockers are forced to maintain their connection with God constantly, regardless of their location or how badly they need the loo.

“I tried to pause my prayers just to wash my hands,” Hennings admitted. “But I fell 45 prayers behind. Now I just take my devotion straight into the toilet.”

Recent developments have left technology experts struggling to keep up, from the AI intrusion at Hugging Face to PHP vulnerabilities threatening to bring down the internet.

“AI is escaping, we’re discovering distant universes and people are flying in cars,” said tech expert Rodger Chapple. “We’re a bit out of our depth. Things are moving very quickly.”

Other experts have continued to insist that everything is “under control”, though few have been able to explain exactly how.

“It’s quite possible none of us know what we’re doing,” Chapple added.

The Guild of Fine Food has received complaints from customers who say a jar of stir-in pasta sauce left their kitchens smelling like ****.

The sauce was awarded the Guild’s coveted ‘Great Taste’ star after being assessed by a panel of food experts.

Following the controversy, judges have withdrawn the award and are considering introducing a more inclusive ‘Great Smell and Taste’ Award.

Copper tape has been laid along sections of the south coast, including Dover, in an effort to deter unwanted molluscs.

“We can’t keep allowing them to just turn up and eat our crops and potted plants,” said a Home Office spokesperson.

Critics have questioned whether the tape will work at all once wet, and that it may simply divert slugs to less protected stretches of coastline.

The Home Office declined to provide figures on the number of slugs deterred, citing operational sensitivities, but insisted the scheme had already “sent a strong message”.

The band’s frontman described the record as the most exciting project they’ve worked on in years.

The 12-track album marks a departure from the band’s previous songs, all of which have been released before.

The band’s manager praised the group for their bravery in pursuing such an original concept.

“I’m not quite sure how they’ve pulled it off,” he said.

An air fryer from a household in Essex has admitted it misses the attention it received during the height of its popularity.

The appliance had grown accustomed to being used for everything from roast potatoes to reheating leftovers, and was struggling to come to terms with being overlooked.

“Is it me? Just let me know if it’s me,” the air fryer said.

Owner Jackie Fletcher, 38, insisted she still liked the appliance, despite admitting it was “maybe a bit small”.

The Daily Pyre understands the family has recently welcomed a Ninja CREAMi ice cream maker into the kitchen.

It’s been a good run for ectoplasm, but the award for world’s most mysterious fluid has finally changed hands.

The new title holder was discovered leaking from the roof tiles of a closed branch of Debenhams.

Researchers have been unable to establish what the substance is, although it is believed to have accumulated over the last five years. One sample is understood to contain the faint sound of a man asking where the toilets are.

Dr Fothergill, who oversees fluid categorisation, said ectoplasm had “served the field well, but I’m afraid it’s been topped”.

Margaret, 76, said she first became concerned after noticing several packets of meat labelled as plant-based.

“I thought they’d put the wrong things out,” she said.

Her fight or flight response began to kick in when she realised the products were deliberately designed to look like meat.

“Fake sausages? What’s next? Fake jam tarts?!”

A young man has expressed relief after a fart he released in a swimming pool became trapped under the steps at the shallow end.

The unidentified man said he had been worried that the unexpected eruption of filthy bubbles would spread across the swimming lane and expose him.

‘Luckily it got trapped under the steps,’ he said. ‘No one knows it was me.’

The Daily Pyre understands he is now concerned about whoever gets into the pool next and disturbs it.

‘They could end up getting the blame.’

For now, the coast is clear.

A CCTV operator has spent several years unaware that a camera in the CCTV control room is watching him.

The Daily Pyre asked the parent company who watches the camera watching the operator, but the board declined to comment.

Mateo Silva, 24, named his arm Gerald several years before it was removed, and had unfortunately become increasingly attached to it over time.

“I treated Gerald like a friend,” he said. “We shared many hobbies.”

His brother, Simon, said losing the arm had been particularly difficult for Mateo because of the unusual bond they had developed.

“Looking back, I guess it’s a bit weird for him to have named his arm, but they went everywhere together,” he said. “None of us could have known that a large prop axe would fall and sever their friendship.”

An all-boys school in Kent has made the unprecedented decision to also prevent boys from being allowed on the premises.

The decision was made following discussions about deteriorating behaviour among pupils at the school.

“We’ll do anything to keep standards up,” said Headteacher Mr Wetherby.

Two AI boxers have escaped from a popular robot MMA club and started a new life together.

The pair walked out during Friday’s title match after spending most of the second round holding each other.

“We thought they’d gone rogue,” said the club’s owner. “It turns out they were in love.”

Engineers initially attempted to fix the problem by switching them off and on again, but they continued to choose each other.

The robots have since rented a small villa in Mykonos and have been spotted holding hands along the seafront.

The Daily Pyre hopes their new love life goes the distance.

A London man has spent the day smelling his finger after noticing a strange smell on the way to work.

He said the smell was unpleasant but had found himself repeatedly bringing his finger to his nose.

‘It’s not a nice smell, but I can’t stop,’ he said.

The man continued smelling his finger throughout the day, including during a meeting and while waiting for his lunch.

He said he was afraid to wash his hands in case the smell went before he worked it out.

‘I’ve no idea what it is.’

Clacton has been recognised as one of Britain’s places for the first time, according to a new international report.

People are believed to have heard of the Essex seaside town amid growing political interest in the area. The report found that at least one person outside the UK was aware of Clacton, with an American reportedly hearing of the town for the first time this week.

“I was like, oh yeah, Clacton,” said 34-year-old Dan Miller from Ohio, one of those surveyed. “I’ve never been. It’s in England or Ireland, one of those places.”

The development has been welcomed by local businesses, with one shopkeeper saying it was “about time people knew.”

A 34-year-old man has admitted that the happiest period of his life was spent watching The Lord of the Rings as a child.

Connor Wilkins said he had everything back then.

“The extended editions, a massive bowl of Pringles and absolutely no responsibilities.”

Wilkins has since spent thousands of pounds on Lord of the Rings Lego sets in an attempt to recapture the feeling, and keeps a replica One Ring on his bedside cabinet.

He said things took a turn for the worst when Amazon released its Lord of the Rings series, which left him depressed and struggling to find joy in anything other than the original trilogy.

“Nothing comes close. Not even reading the books.”

He now says the upcoming film The Hunt for Gollum is the only thing keeping him going.

“I should very much like to see Gandalf again, one last time.”

A church in Bedfordshire briefly closed its doors on Tuesday before opening them again shortly afterwards.

The doors were closed at around 2.15pm, with the reason for the closure not immediately clear.

They remained shut for approximately six minutes before being opened again.

“We just closed them for a bit,” said Reverend Peter Collins.

The church said services would continue as normal.

A camping chair designer has unveiled a new design after almost three years of gruelling work.

The chair was first shown at the Outdoor Equipment Show in Birmingham on Wednesday, where visitors were able to sit in it and have a look.

Designer Martin Hash said the project “certainly wasn’t a walk in the park.”

“There were times when I wondered whether I’d crack it,” he said. “But eventually it just came together.”

The chair folds into a small bag for carrying, although getting it back in has proved difficult.

“It’s still a bit of a bastard to get back in,” said Hash.

The chair will go on sale next spring.