A parish council has updated its annual Bonfire Night celebrations by replacing the traditional Guy Fawkes with a cisgender, straight white man.
Event organisers stated that burning a 17th-century religious extremist no longer aligned with modern inclusivity targets. Instead, an effigy of a 42-year-old mid-level professional was selected to sit atop the kindling.
A council spokesperson confirmed the decision was made because he embodied “everything wrong with Britain today”, adding that “this is a night for everyone”.
Several local fathers watched the display, giving reluctant applause, with one reportedly recognising the effigy’s Superdry jacket as identical to his own. Moments later, a vape pen in the effigy’s pocket exploded.
“They’ve really outdone themselves this year,” remarked one attendee.
“Who wants marshmallows?!”