Jesus Didn't Feed Thousands, He Gave Them Ozempic, Study Finds
A groundbreaking study from the University of Cambridge has challenged the long-held belief that Jesus fed the five thousand with five loaves and two fish, after archaeologists reportedly uncovered several ancient syringes near the site.
Researchers now believe the crowd’s appetite was miraculously suppressed, rather than miraculously satisfied.
“For years we’ve focused on the bread,” explained Professor Martin Hall. “But in light of this discovery, it’s entirely possible Jesus’s miracle that day was introducing the weight-loss drug now known as Ozempic.”
Hall believes the miracle has been misunderstood for centuries.
“The real miracle wasn’t producing enough food for five thousand people. It was convincing five thousand people they didn’t really fancy any.”
The theory gained further support after biblical scholars traced the word Ozempic to what they believe are ancient Hebrew roots, claiming ‘Oz’ roughly translates as ‘to abstain’ while ‘Empic’ means ‘after pudding’.
Although linguists have described the translation as “highly unconventional”, several theologians admitted it was “difficult to completely dismiss.”
Professor Hall rejected wider criticism of the study.
“We’re simply following the evidence. We did briefly consider modern contamination, but dismissed it.”
The Daily Pyre understands excavations have now begun at the site of the Last Supper.